the dark web is just a goth google.
You Might Also Like
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Received some very disappointing news today
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.