I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
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ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron