Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
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A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Free him
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo