Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
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Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
What fresh Hell is this?!?