There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
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Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”