This is the coolest video you will see today.
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
[montage of me giving-up]
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids