[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
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My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Herpes is trending, good job people
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.