oh you wanna fight?!
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My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Stop sending me this shit.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.