Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
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Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”