My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
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Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together