Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
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Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Cashiers are always checking me out
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*