Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
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Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
time for some seasonal decor
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.