I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.