“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
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88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*