And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
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Never ghost your hitman.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
There are no pants in heaven.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.