I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
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We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!