BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
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I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
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I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”