People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
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Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers