Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
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Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
A new level of troll.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
[eats all your cotton candy]
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*