Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
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Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.