ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
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me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?