My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
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friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…