I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
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Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.