In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
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Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one