I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
You Might Also Like
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
My spirit animal is fried chicken
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?