What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
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Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.