Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
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I only look at Wordle for the articles
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it