Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
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5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
who did the taste test?
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed