My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
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My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English