Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
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A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Breaking news:
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice