they finally got him. they got macavity
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As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
*has no idea what a book even is*
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.