6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
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Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
my lower back watching me try to live my life
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
he was correct
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.