“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
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“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I don’t know what to do
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”