*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
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Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.