Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
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The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”