‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
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me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.