Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
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i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
She: I like Cats
He:
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.