8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
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Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
“and how does that make you feel?”
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive