Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
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You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
OH. COME. ON.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow