Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
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Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Dune (2021)
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.