The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
You Might Also Like
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Every haunted house movie:
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.