My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
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If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body