Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
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*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.