I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
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I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I think the cat got the dog high.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture