Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
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Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*