7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
You Might Also Like
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Hamburger Hinderer.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.