Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
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When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating