GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
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*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Yup.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
That’s amazing.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping