An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
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My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich