[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
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People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.